Grief Models Part 3: Continuing Bonds and Meaning Reconstruction

Continuing Bonds Theory

One of the most influential modern approaches to grief is the Continuing Bonds Theory, which has become a cornerstone of contemporary grief therapy. Originally introduced by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman in their groundbreaking 1996 book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, this model offered a major shift in how we think about love, loss, and healing.

In many ways, Continuing Bonds Theory covers the same the ideas found in Worden’s fourth task of mourning—“finding an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life.” However, the Continuing Bonds framework goes further by challenging some of the long-held assumptions about what “healthy” grieving should look like.

A Shift Away from “Letting Go”

Before this theory emerged, most traditional grief models—especially those influenced by mid-20th century psychology—framed the goal of mourning as detachment or “moving on.” The assumption was that in order to heal, one needed to sever emotional ties with the deceased and reinvest that energy elsewhere.

Klass, Silverman, and Nickman questioned this premise. Through their research and clinical work, they observed that many people remained deeply connected to those they had lost, not in a pathological way, but as an ongoing part of their emotional lives. They proposed a radical but intuitive idea: grief does not have an end point. Instead, it is an ongoing, evolving relationship between the living and the deceased.

The Core Principle: Connection is Normal

At the heart of Continuing Bonds Theory is a simple but profound belief: it is completely normal—and often deeply healing—to maintain a bond with your loved one after their death.

This connection can take countless forms, depending on one’s culture, spirituality, personality, and life experience. For some, it might be expressed through rituals or traditions, such as lighting a candle on anniversaries, visiting a gravesite, or celebrating the Mexican holiday Día de los Muertos. For others, it may take the form of private inner dialogue, sensing the presence of the loved one, or carrying forward their values and teachings in everyday life.

These ongoing bonds often evolve over time. Early on, they may center on remembrance and mourning; later, they may become sources of strength, guidance, and continuity.

Normalizing the Ongoing Relationship

Klass and his colleagues sought to normalize and validate these experiences, which had often been pathologized in earlier grief literature. Rather than viewing ongoing attachment as “denial” or “failure to let go,” they reframed it as a healthy adaptation—a way of integrating the loss into one’s continuing life story.

In therapy, this perspective can be deeply relieving for clients who worry that they’re “doing grief wrong.” Instead of feeling pressure to move on, they can explore what it means to move forward while staying connected. Therapists may encourage symbolic rituals, storytelling, letter-writing, or creative expression as ways to nurture that connection in a healthy, evolving form.

Why Continuing Bonds Matters

Continuing Bonds Theory reminds us that love doesn’t end when life does. The people we’ve lost remain part of who we are—woven into our memories, our identities, and the ways we show up in the world. Recognizing and honoring this connection allows grief to become something more than pain; it becomes an ongoing relationship of remembrance, gratitude, and meaning.

In this way, grief is not about “getting over” someone—it’s about learning how to carry them with us in a way that brings comfort, rather than suffering. Continuing Bonds Theory gives us permission to do exactly that.

Meaning Reconstruction Model

The Meaning Reconstruction Model, developed by Robert Neimeyer and later expanded with Gillies, offers a powerful lens for understanding how people make sense of loss. While Kübler-Ross and Worden focused on emotional and behavioral aspects of grief, this model centers on the search for meaning—how we rebuild our sense of self, purpose, and worldview after a profound loss.

Grief often disrupts the assumptions we hold about life, fairness, and identity. Meaning reconstruction is the process of putting those pieces back together in a way that feels coherent and livable. It’s not about finding a single “reason” for loss, but about reshaping one’s inner world to integrate what has happened.

Neimeyer and colleagues describe several key aspects of this process:

Sense-Making

This involves trying to understand why the loss happened, or adjusting one’s worldview to accommodate it. Some people find comfort in spiritual explanations; others shift their beliefs about control, fate, or mortality. The goal isn’t to justify the loss but to weave it into a meaningful narrative.

Identity Change

Loss often transforms how people see themselves. Many describe becoming “sadder but wiser,” or developing greater compassion, resilience, or perspective. This new identity reflects both strength and softness gained through grief.

Benefit-Finding

Recognizing growth or purpose that emerges from grief—such as starting a support group, deepening empathy, or realigning priorities—can support healing. Finding small positives doesn’t diminish the pain, but it can create a sense of direction and meaning.

Purpose and Life Significance

Purpose acts as a protective factor in grief, countering feelings of emptiness or futility. When individuals reconnect with what feels valuable—relationships, causes, creative expression—they rediscover motivation to engage with life. This sense of significance is often tied to values, spirituality, or a broader sense of purpose in the world.

Together, these processes illustrate that healing after loss isn’t about “moving on” but about reconstructing meaning—rebuilding a worldview that honors both the pain of the loss and the ongoing potential for growth. The Meaning Reconstruction Model underlies many modern approaches to grief therapy, reflecting our innate human drive to make sense of suffering and to find light, however faint, in the darkness.